Talk:Rebuilding - Revision history

Concerned Reader: /* Critique */ Thank you.

2009-07-23T13:03:14Z

Critique: Thank you.

← Older revision		Revision as of 08:03, 23 July 2009
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	::PS, I'd be lying if I said I weren't jealous about ShadowWolf's last comment. I'll admit that I'm jealous; so sue me. Still, congratulations! :) --[[User:WolfyDrake95\|Drake]] 11:46, 23 July 2009 (UTC)		::PS, I'd be lying if I said I weren't jealous about ShadowWolf's last comment. I'll admit that I'm jealous; so sue me. Still, congratulations! :) --[[User:WolfyDrake95\|Drake]] 11:46, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

			<span style="color: #006400;">Thanks for the suggestions, I take no offence to anything that helps make a better story. I'm now going through and nuking the infodumps, so I'll take all the help I can get.</span> --[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 13:03, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

WolfyDrake95: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, A GRAMMATICAL ERROR! :)

2009-07-23T11:47:38Z

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, A GRAMMATICAL ERROR! :)

← Older revision		Revision as of 06:47, 23 July 2009
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	::I'm not an awesome editor (unlike ''someone'', whose name starts with a ''Shadow'' and ends with a ''Wolf''), but using objects to initiate memories that introduce things is what I like doing. I find it useful in avoiding mass infodumps. No offence though, this is a great story. Just some advice to improve it.		::I'm not an awesome editor (unlike ''someone'', whose name starts with a ''Shadow'' and ends with a ''Wolf''), but using objects to initiate memories that introduce things is what I like doing. I find it useful in avoiding mass infodumps. No offence though, this is a great story. Just some advice to improve it.

	::PS, I'd be lying if I said I weren't jealous about ShadowWolf's last comment. So I'll admit that I'm jealous~~. So~~ sue me. Still, congratulations! :) --[[User:WolfyDrake95\|Drake]] 11:46, 23 July 2009 (UTC)		::PS, I'd be lying if I said I weren't jealous about ShadowWolf's last comment. I'll admit that I'm jealous; so sue me. Still, congratulations! :) --[[User:WolfyDrake95\|Drake]] 11:46, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

WolfyDrake95: /* Critique */ By teh lupine dragon noob

2009-07-23T11:46:23Z

Critique: By teh lupine dragon noob

← Older revision		Revision as of 06:46, 23 July 2009
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	:<span style="color: #006400;">And the rough editz are in place (chap. 1-3). Now I need to go through and un-info dump the rest of it. I printed out a copy of it, for better editing, and was promptly surprised when the printer spat out 17 pages. I'll get more editz up as soon as I can. I already miss a few of the phrases, I'll have to see if I can fit them in anywhere else…</span> --[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 04:31, 23 July 2009 (UTC)		:<span style="color: #006400;">And the rough editz are in place (chap. 1-3). Now I need to go through and un-info dump the rest of it. I printed out a copy of it, for better editing, and was promptly surprised when the printer spat out 17 pages. I'll get more editz up as soon as I can. I already miss a few of the phrases, I'll have to see if I can fit them in anywhere else…</span> --[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 04:31, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

			::Just sticking my nose in to say something. One thing that makes this story feel a little wierd is the constant usage of small, short sentences. While this is useful in tension scenes, or for suggesting sarcasm, it's not so useful for most any other scenes. Try linking up short sentences with colons or semicolons (I'm none too good at telling them apart, but I'm sure there's a difference). For example,

			:::<div style="width: 80%; margin: 0 auto; color: red;">I'm still human-ish, only with a few differences. The main difference being that I can “phase” through things.</span>

			::can be linked to form

			:::<div style="width: 80%; margin: 0 auto; color: red;">I'm still human-ish, only with a few differences: the main difference being that I can “phase” through things.</span>

			::Other sentences can be similarly linked too, though I don't have time to look for them (I tried!). By linking them up, your sentences will vary in length, instead of being so short. Infodumps can be disguised as conversation between people, or just as memories...

			:::<div style="width: 80%; margin: 0 auto; color: red;">I contracted Blowtorch Fever when I was about sixteen. At the time, I was taking amphetamines for ADHD. This did two things when TFOR set in.</span>

			::You might want to consider changing this to...

			:::<div style="width: 80%; margin: 0 auto; color: red;">Glancing at the table, I found an old bottle of amphetamines. I hadn't taken them for years, not since I'd contracted the Torch. I'm pretty sure they did something when the TFOR set in...</span>

			::I'm not an awesome editor (unlike ''someone'', whose name starts with a ''Shadow'' and ends with a ''Wolf''), but using objects to initiate memories that introduce things is what I like doing. I find it useful in avoiding mass infodumps. No offence though, this is a great story. Just some advice to improve it.

			::PS, I'd be lying if I said I weren't jealous about ShadowWolf's last comment. So I'll admit that I'm jealous. So sue me. Still, congratulations! :) --[[User:WolfyDrake95\|Drake]] 11:46, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

Concerned Reader: /* Critique */ Alrighty, now to take an info dump.

2009-07-23T04:31:18Z

Critique: Alrighty, now to take an info dump.

← Older revision		Revision as of 23:31, 22 July 2009
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	<span style="color: #006400;">Thanks for all of the suggestions. I'll get right on the phrasing and fragments, but the info dumps will take a bit longer. Also, thanks again for adding me to the Pack. Oh, and tell Rabbit that I have enjoyed his work for a long time, so hearing praise from him is very nice. Actually, I might drop by #TheZoo and say it in person later tonight.</span> --[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 15:45, 22 July 2009 (UTC)		<span style="color: #006400;">Thanks for all of the suggestions. I'll get right on the phrasing and fragments, but the info dumps will take a bit longer. Also, thanks again for adding me to the Pack. Oh, and tell Rabbit that I have enjoyed his work for a long time, so hearing praise from him is very nice. Actually, I might drop by #TheZoo and say it in person later tonight.</span> --[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 15:45, 22 July 2009 (UTC)

			:<span style="color: #006400;">And the rough editz are in place (chap. 1-3). Now I need to go through and un-info dump the rest of it. I printed out a copy of it, for better editing, and was promptly surprised when the printer spat out 17 pages. I'll get more editz up as soon as I can. I already miss a few of the phrases, I'll have to see if I can fit them in anywhere else…</span> --[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 04:31, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

Concerned Reader: /* Critique */ I'll get right on that.

2009-07-22T15:45:52Z

Critique: I'll get right on that.

← Older revision		Revision as of 10:45, 22 July 2009
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	:So take heart. A very famous (among the TF/Furry Community) author also feels you have a lot of promise. Good job! -- [[User:ShadowWolf\|ShadowWolf]] 03:54, 22 July 2009 (UTC)		:So take heart. A very famous (among the TF/Furry Community) author also feels you have a lot of promise. Good job! -- [[User:ShadowWolf\|ShadowWolf]] 03:54, 22 July 2009 (UTC)

			<span style="color: #006400;">Thanks for all of the suggestions. I'll get right on the phrasing and fragments, but the info dumps will take a bit longer. Also, thanks again for adding me to the Pack. Oh, and tell Rabbit that I have enjoyed his work for a long time, so hearing praise from him is very nice. Actually, I might drop by #TheZoo and say it in person later tonight.</span> --[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 15:45, 22 July 2009 (UTC)

ShadowWolf: /* Critique */ a small further note

2009-07-22T03:54:11Z

Critique: a small further note

← Older revision		Revision as of 22:54, 21 July 2009
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	:Forgot to add… If you'd like help with any rewrites, I'm right here and will gladly provide any assistance you need. -- [[User:ShadowWolf\|ShadowWolf]] 19:36, 21 July 2009 (UTC)		:Forgot to add… If you'd like help with any rewrites, I'm right here and will gladly provide any assistance you need. -- [[User:ShadowWolf\|ShadowWolf]] 19:36, 21 July 2009 (UTC)

			:I've told [[User:Rabbit\|Phil Geusz]] about this work and how the only real problem you have is the info-dumps. His response is that present-tense is extremely hard to write ("<Rabbit> That's extraordinarily difficult."..."<Rabbit> Having professionally sold such a piece, I feel qualified to say so. =:)") and that getting around the problem with info-dumps is extremely difficult. When I told him that you had managed to write a good story entirely in the present-tense as a novice effort, he agreed that it was good that I'd added you to [[ShadowWolfs Pack\|the Pack]].

			:So take heart. A very famous (among the TF/Furry Community) author also feels you have a lot of promise. Good job! -- [[User:ShadowWolf\|ShadowWolf]] 03:54, 22 July 2009 (UTC)

ShadowWolf: /* Critique */ offer assistance

2009-07-21T19:36:16Z

Critique: offer assistance

← Older revision		Revision as of 14:36, 21 July 2009
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	However… You show real promise and are being added to the "Promising New Authors" section of [[ShadowWolfs Pack\|the Pack]]. -- [[User:ShadowWolf\|ShadowWolf]] 19:23, 21 July 2009 (UTC)		However… You show real promise and are being added to the "Promising New Authors" section of [[ShadowWolfs Pack\|the Pack]]. -- [[User:ShadowWolf\|ShadowWolf]] 19:23, 21 July 2009 (UTC)

			:Forgot to add… If you'd like help with any rewrites, I'm right here and will gladly provide any assistance you need. -- [[User:ShadowWolf\|ShadowWolf]] 19:36, 21 July 2009 (UTC)

ShadowWolf: /* Critique */ new section

2009-07-21T19:23:19Z

Critique: new section

← Older revision		Revision as of 14:23, 21 July 2009
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	<span style="color: #006400;"><del>Before I start on the next story arc</del> I had a burst of boredom in Trig and started the next section, but before I get to far I would like to have y'alls opinions on this current story. Is my writing any good? Are my Ideas any good? Basically a general review of the story so far. It doesn't have to be a complete deconstruction, just your thoughts on the story, people, and events in general. </span> --[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 03:35, 20 July 2009 (UTC)		<span style="color: #006400;"><del>Before I start on the next story arc</del> I had a burst of boredom in Trig and started the next section, but before I get to far I would like to have y'alls opinions on this current story. Is my writing any good? Are my Ideas any good? Basically a general review of the story so far. It doesn't have to be a complete deconstruction, just your thoughts on the story, people, and events in general. </span> --[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 03:35, 20 July 2009 (UTC)

			== Critique ==

			Okay… I'm going to give you good news first… Overall the story shows that you have some talent and promise as an author and can provide a unique voice for the character through the narrative itself. Your choice of present tense shows that you are not afraid to tackle a very difficult writing voice.

			Now for the actual editorial critique…

			I've only finished, basically, with the first two sections – and then not completely in depth. Because of the impact that several of the suggestions in this critique I will not be proceeding further.

			Biggest problem is that you've strewn info-dumps through the first two sections. Second biggest problem is flow and that is hard to solve. Now for the full critique…
			{{separator}}
			<div style="width: 80%; margin: 0 auto; color: red;">"It decides I'm in a sombre mood, and queues up Dead Cities by Future Sound of London. It's an old album to be sure, but almost relevant in this day and age."</div>

			Here you start two consecutive sentences with the same word. It works, in a way, because they have different structure but it is not something you actually want to do. A suggestion for how to make this work would be "Apparently deciding I'm in a sombre mood it queues up..." or "Yes, it is an old album..." — though those are just suggestions as to how you could re-word it and lose the 'It...It' repetition.

			<div style="width: 80%; margin: 0 auto; color: red;">"I'm still human-ish. I've only been altered a bit. I'm not quite sure how it happened, or how to explain it, but I can “phase” through things."</div>

			Again you have starting word repetition. This works better than it did in the other instance, but is still not something that should be done. On top of that you have several "idea fragments" as standalone sentences – and they do not make full sentences either. A way to fix this would be to re-word and conjoin the two fragments into a single sentence and completely rewrite the final sentence.

			The containing paragraph and the parts that follow until the end of the section are an info-dump and break the flow of the narrative in a big way. You've also got poor phrasing in that bit - it is very choppy. As to the info-dump nature, well… large parts of the information presented get re-introduced later on in a more expanded form. A proper fix for this would be to spread the information out into the story and introduce only the bits that directly impact the story when and where needed.

			<div style="width: 80%; margin: 0 auto; color: red;">"The onset of TFORs may have cured my ADHD…"</div>

			The paragraph that starts with that is an expansion of part of the info-dump from the end of the first section. Again you've broken the flow of the narrative by introducing an info-dump with clunky phrasing. Once more I'd suggest killing all of the info-dumps and only introducing the bits that are directly relevant to the story.

			<div style="width: 80%; margin: 0 auto; color: red;">"University of Texas is looking really good right now, what with Austin being the new tech center of the world, but I may just be slightly biased."</div>

			Clunky phrasing with at least two different ideas stuffed into a single sentence. The only fix for this would be to break the sentence up and create independent sentences from the clauses you've stuffed together.

			The paragraph that follows that sentence is another info-dump. See my other notes on info-dumps for suggestions.

			{{separator}}

			That is as far as I got. In killing the info-dumps and following my suggestions about them I can see a large number of re-writes going on. Because of that I won't bother with the rest of the story at this time.

			However… You show real promise and are being added to the "Promising New Authors" section of [[ShadowWolfs Pack\|the Pack]]. -- [[User:ShadowWolf\|ShadowWolf]] 19:23, 21 July 2009 (UTC)

Concerned Reader: /* Critiques and such */ Opinions please, okay thanks bye.

2009-07-21T04:21:39Z

Critiques and such: Opinions please, okay thanks bye.

← Older revision		Revision as of 23:21, 20 July 2009
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	<span style="color: #006400;">Before I start on the next story arc, I would like to have y'alls opinions on this current story. Is my writing any good? Are my Ideas any good? Basically a general review of the story so far. It doesn't have to be a complete deconstruction, just your thoughts on the story in general. </span> --[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 03:35, 20 July 2009 (UTC)		<span style="color: #006400;"><del>Before I start on the next story arc</del> I had a burst of boredom in Trig and started the next section, but before I get to far I would like to have y'alls opinions on this current story. Is my writing any good? Are my Ideas any good? Basically a general review of the story so far. It doesn't have to be a complete deconstruction, just your thoughts on the story, people, and events in general. </span> --[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 03:35, 20 July 2009 (UTC)

Concerned Reader: /* Rough general timeline done-ish */ fixed link

2009-07-20T06:18:08Z

Rough general timeline done-ish: fixed link

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:18, 20 July 2009
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	== Rough general timeline done-ish ==		== Rough general timeline done-ish ==

	Just finished up the rough general timeline. I don't want to add it to the settings page until someone who knows the universe better has had a look at it. [[~~PAW_General_TimeLine~~]].		Just finished up the rough general timeline. I don't want to add it to the settings page until someone who knows the universe better has had a look at it. [[PAW_Timelines/General_TimeLine]].
	--[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 20:37, 4 June 2009 (UTC)		--[[User:Concerned Reader\|Concerned Reader]] 20:37, 4 June 2009 (UTC)