User talk:Robotech Master/Deserted

First Comment!

---

Hey, I just finished reading this story, and Merging Traffic. I just want to say I love the new setting, and I really enjoyed both stories. I do have one small critique, though. In this story it seemed a little bit unnatural that Zane and Terry were talking about staying together forever so soon after they first met. I guess it seemed a little bit like talking about getting married halfway through the first date. :) I think Terry especially, because of his past, and because of how bitter and set against having a human partner he seems to be at first, could have more internal conflict about it, and take longer to come around. Anyway, this is only my opinion, and I'm only mentioning it to give you another perspective. I really did enjoy the story. --Antimatter (talk) 06:38, 23 July 2012 (UTC)

Hey, thanks for the kind words, and I'll think about that. But part of the thing is, they're so close even after the first share, they basically already know everything about each other so there's no reason to be hostile or suspicious. In fact, he knew it from the moment they first Fused, and Terry didn't get all grabby-for-control-no-no-you-can't-have-any the way previous masters did. And Terry knows that Zane is the kind of person he's been missing in his life. (He still has a little trouble believing it when they're split, at first, which is why he's so bemused in his conversation in the DRRT, but he knows regardless.) If Zane had been another asshole like his past masters, he'd have known it immediately and had no qualms about leaving him where he could get a ride to safety.

Really glad you liked it! --Robotech Master (talk) 12:55, 23 July 2012 (UTC)

Hello again! I've just started a re-read of all the FreeRIDErs stories so far. This series as a whole has really become one of my favorites. Anyway, I noticed these typos this time around:

Terry knew that he would be a more comfortable place for Zach to sleep than any bed.

Who's Zach?

Okay, then. We’ll take them in.” He pauses, thought a moment.

Looks like it should be "paused".

:Send them a million in the name of Ryan Stonecross and Kaylee Cross,: Zane sent to Terry, keeping a straight face.

Isn't Ryan's last name Stonegate? Or is this a reference I'm not getting?

Keep up the awesome work on these stories! Also, I've been assuming that posting typos is helpful, but let me know if it gets annoying and I'll stop. :-)

--Antimatter (talk) 07:11, 16 November 2012 (UTC)

---

I noticed the updates you've been making to the older stories and decided to start re-reading. I'm not sure if you're interested in continuing to edit these at all but I thought I would post some things I noticed during the re-read just in case. Some are errors, but some are just comments or opinions, so take them for what they're worth.

“The very last resort. Nexus’s armed version of Internal Revenue: the Materiel Recovery Service.”

Nextus

“There’s a three-foot space under the floor. Dad used it for smuggling cargo sometimes."

Make this metric for consistency?

“We’ve done a lot today,” Terry said, stifling a yawn. “Why don’t we put off that decision until tomorrow?”

It looks like this is actually Zane talking.

“DVDs and Blu-rays were the last time they put movies on physical media, and a lot of the old discs never got reissued in later digital formats. Of course, even by then Dad had already ripped his collection to digital, but he swore there was just something about watching them on the original hardware that made the whole experience better somehow.”

DVD and Blu-ray are already digital formats, so it seems a bit odd for Zane to use the word digital here like it is a distinction. I don't remember the details from the story where a lot of the old Earth media was actually discovered at the moment, but I'm thinking it must have been in some sort of digital format too, yes?

:I’m sure they’d be happy to have you,: Terry sent back. :It’s a much nicer place to live, too.:

:Can’t wait to see it,: Zane said.

Zane grew up in Nextus, and he's never been to Uplift?

They turned on their headlights and drove on, emerging from the Tunnel a short time later to see the city of Uplift spread out before them under a gleaming hardlight dome like some kind of giant snow globe.

Didn't it get detailed in a later story that Uplift actually has a bunch of domes joined together?

“Crap! Can you call that in? Track them?” Zane asked, poking his head up from behind an air conditioning unit.

their head (to be consistent)

He turned into an alley beside the building that debarked into a small nook that had been left over when two other buildings had butted up against the dome and each other.

Not totally sure about this one but I don't think that is correct usage of debark.

“Uh, sure, no problem.” He tried his very best to look as though very male mechanics turned into short, busty anthropomorphic she-lynxes in front of him every day.

I don't know exactly how tall Kaylee's fuser form is, but it seems odd to refer to any fuser as short, especially from Zane's currently non-fused perspective.

This reminds me, it would be nice to mention the size of a fuser when Zane and Terry first fuse up. I don't think there's anything to indicate that they are any larger than a normal human.

Happily, the auctioneer was willing to come to immediate payment terms for the three RIDEs, selling them for only about four times what they might have fetched at auction. Even the decrepit ruins of Merle ended up running 1,000 mu.

“You could get at least four complete and working female RIDEs for just what they charged for Merle,” Terry groused. “Or two male.”

I'm having trouble with the value of the mu here. They just paid 50 mu for the "not for sale" collar, which I can't imagine would be worth more than a few dollars. But you can get a complete working male RIDE for 500, or a female for 250? Even if you say the mu is equal in value to the dollar (which would make the collar ridiculous at $50) these prices for RIDEs are hardly significant. It doesn't seem like the lower price of female models would be a significant motivation for crossriding.

He closed the donkey’s metal head, and it latched shut.

mule

:I’ll just keep an eye on the RIDE enthusiast forums,: Terry replied. :He’ll turn up sooner or later.”

Should have ended with a colon instead of a quotation mark. Also, I can't remember him ever turning up later. This seems like it was setting up for something.

He began by having Terry beam them copies of his memories relating to the altered books, his being stranded in the desert, and the suspicious actions of the three co-investors shortly before the bomb exploded on his flier.

Wouldn't he want to include the attack on his apartment too?

“It’s up to you. If you want to keep them, stay Fused with them, and run the company on their behalf, be my guest."

This strikes me as way too big of an offer for the situation. He is basically offering the running of the company to three unknown people he just met.

:Especially if I kick my lifters in a little and make us lighter,: Terry pointed out, doing so.

Couldn't they have just hovered up the shaft with Terry's lifters? I'm pretty sure it gets established later that fusers can fly.

:Secret tunnel,: Zane subvocalized from his mastoid implant.

What I'm picturing here is Zane subvocalizing, and his implant picking it up and sending it to Terry. If that is correct, wouldn't it be subvocalizing to his implant?

Terry smiled despite himself. Thanks, he thought back.

Okay, it might be vague since they're integrated at this point, but from the context it seems like this line should be Zane, not Terry.

I still love this setting, even though I've been mostly lost in the world of FIMFiction nowadays. You guys have been spoiling us with new stories and updates lately! I really hope you keep writing in this setting.

Antimatter (talk) 05:18, 15 February 2016 (CST)