User:Hawl/I'm With Fur

I’m With Fur!:A Political Satire by Jessica K. Nichols-Vernon

WARNING: Below is political satire, and thus could be triggering or considered offensive. You have been warned.

It had only been a month into his presidency when the newly elected President Reginald Judas Chump had been dealing with quite the problem. He had promised in his campaign that he would find America’s enemies and chase them out of the nation in hopes of returning greatness to the free world. The only problem is that one could not just assume anyone who doesn’t look like the typical sitcom actor was an enemy of America, which was quite a shame because Chump truly thought that it was going to be that easy. Yet it seemed too many of the people he thought looked clean were guilty and too many deadringers for just the kind of terrorist scumbag who would doom the nation were completely innocent.

Chump had read many documents of varying plans doubling the spying efforts, no they were already working those as hard as they could be worked. Perhaps ending racial profiling and re-directing it into groups tied to criminal activities and violent threats would work, there was no reason it wouldn’t, but that was beyond out of the question. Even under the threat of reasoners the natural order must be kept. It all seemed hopeless the only ideas acceptable would empower the downtrodden too much or have the exact opposite effective of angering these same people to the point of revolt. Chump’s prayers were answered when THAT file showed up. It was one of those specially labeled files that were never set to go public or become known to anyone outside of the president, the Secret Service, and a top secret think tank full of men and women who legally did not exist. The file detailed ancient Native American texts from a very long time ago when the Government was looking to relocate the indigenous people. A lot of religious artifacts and spiritual texts had been destroyed, but not before the US Government had copied the notes after realizing that they held the secrets to honest to God magick. Over the years the Military had “misplaced” a great sum of money, but in reality, they were going to weaponizing these very texts and adapting them to machines. One device in particular, had the answer to Chump’s problem.

Mr. Chump grinning like a loon as he picked up the handle for the gold-plated gemstone encrusted phone he had installed in Chump Palace, formerly known as the White House, and called his head advisor, Vice President Dense. “Hey, Dense, how the hell’s it going up there in Chump Tower?”

“Chump this better be important, do you know how much I’m having to bullshit over your executive order to replace Under God with Under Chump? It’s not going well!” Dense spoke into his cellphone as he wiped yet another rotten tomato off of his face.

“Look, you got these morons to elect me. You’re a smart man, terrific, absolutely the best. If you were a woman and forty years younger, perhaps I would even be dating with you. You can spin it like it is. Just tell them the truth, that Jesus Christ confessed down in Russia, beautiful country, that I was his real father.” Chump chided, smiling as he looked at the very press conference Dense was speaking at. “Look they threw a tomato at you, back in Russia that’s the HIGHEST praise you can give a man, tomatos are very expensive over there.”

“I tried that and a lightning storm literally appeared and tried striking the stage till I took it back.” Dense said, sweating bullets live on TV.

“That explains the burns…. Anyway, we’re going to use Operation Skinwalker Allegiance to finally sort out which Americans are treasonous and which are the real McCoy, I’m going down to flip the switch while you’re talking. I want you to explain to Americans what exactly that is and get ready to arrest ANYONE who doesn’t scream AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL!” Chump barked slamming the phone down before running headfirst to the break room, the device was disguised as the White House Coffee Machine, and was set to activate anytime someone placed the Decaf Cartridge into the coffee maker. It was secretly the device, hidden in plain sight where no one would touch it.

“Chump, are you an idiot? That would prove the existence of magick to…..” It was too late, the President had already hung up on him. There was no stopping Chump once he put his mind to something, the walls around the country, the replacing of Ben Franklin on the Hundred with Chump’s own face, and the Statue of Liberty with one of Chump’s own daughter in a thong were proof of that. As such, Dense had to find a way to tell the truth in some way that would empower the people who were the most paranoid and irrational and he knew how. “Alright alright, I have no explanation for the Under Chump slogan in the Pledge of Allegiance, but I will admit that Chem Trails are REAL and were started by Ronald Reagan, and NOW! I will explain why…. It’s because we have developed a chemical that will transform everyone to the animal of the nation they are MOST LOYAL TOO!”

The audience looked at Dense confused silence had fallen over, it was finally a black woman in discounted hand me down clothing who stepped forward. “Do you really think we’re gonna believe tha..a.a….” the woman was interrupted by a sudden urge to vomit as she kneeled over.

“GET AWAY FROM HER! SHE NEEDS AIR!” Dense yelled, crossing himself, trying to look like he cared but in reality he was just praying someone had stopped Chump from what insane thing he was doing.

The camera crews, began to crowd as the woman seemingly puked out a yellow beak which stayed on her face as her hair began to terms into white feathers which began sprouting all over her face and neck, and kept going turning brown as they reached her neck and lower. The woman’s hands began to twist and contort, her fingernails growing to resemble more of claws, no, not claws, talons. The woman soon looked far more bird than human, especially when two powerful wings burst from her back. One person began to scream, only to find it was happening to nearly every single protester at the event.

Dense rubbed his forehead in shock of what he had just seen, but found his forehead felt warm yet his hands felt cold. “This is ba-a-a-a-a-ad.” he bleated out, all the cameras were soon on Dense at least they were after they got used to having talons. While everyone was focused on the woman who turned into an eagle, Vice President Dense had turned into a crimson red goat with fire in his eyes.

Suddenly, there were all kinds of questions when people realized that the transformation was based on what nation. “Mr. Vice President, are you confirming the existence of Hell? Is Christianity proven? How long has the White House been in league with Satan? Does this start with the Chump Administration or does it go back?”

Except for one Network that had spontaneously taken on a far more vulpine like shape asking about whether anyone knew if Obama had turned into an animal symbolic of Kenya or Iraq.

Meanwhile in the midst of all this, two lovers boarding a plane and watching this on their smartphones ready to escape the country to Ireland for asylum looked at each other in shock. “Darling, you realize I’m a swan now right?” asked the husband.

“Yes! That’s the national animal of Ireland, the country we’re escaping too. We aren’t Americans anymore…”

“But you’re a skunk darling…” The swan had said to his mephit wife, covering his beak as he realized he now had a strong Irish accent, he tried speaking in an American accent but it just wasn’t working. “Apple Pie, Football, Fourth Of July…. It’s not working, and I’m suddenly wearing green. Whale oil beef hooked!”

“Yeah I meant to ask…. How do vous feel about vacationing in Paris?” The skunk woman smiled, her hand on her hips as her body became far more curvaceous, her clothing had also altered to not only be darker colored and minimal, but she had began smoking a cigarette that had appeared from seemingly nowhere as she wore a beret. After taking a few quick puffs, a bald eagle wearing a Red, White, and Blue top hat had pointed his a handgun towards the “Smoking Prohibited On Planes and in Terminals” sign.

“I swear I don’t know where I got the smokes from…” The skunk pleaded hoping she wouldn’t be kicked off the flight.

“I’m still wondering where I got the gun from…” The eagle responded looking over his glock with raised eyebrows. “So I guess I’ll let you off with a warning….”

The plane was about to take off, so the skunk and swan put their phones away. Though both of them chuckled when a moose tried to use the plane’s bathroom, only to find his antlers kept getting stuck on the overhead luggage compartment. “Aye, what’s all this aboot? Aboot… ABOOT!... Damn it, there’s a u in there I know it…. Sigh… I had to be set on Canada.” he grew annoyed and drank from a bottle of Maple Syrup he suddenly had.

-One Week Later in Ireland-

The skunk and swan couple had settled into their Irish home, the two had been looking through the local listings for some job offers to support themselves in their new homeland when suddenly the skunk was curious. If everyone was now the animal of the nation they were most loyal to, whatever happened to Chump?

Her swan husband wanted to know this as well so the two went online and began to check news articles to see what had become of the President infamous for, among other things, literally putting an end to the human race.

Both were amused to see that Chump seconds after activating the device that transformed humanity was left exactly the same as he was, only now his spine was completely missing and his mouth had been replaced with a second anus. Something that News Media had become disappointed by since his outrageous statements were replaced with foul smelling methane gas coming out of his mouth, though, strangely enough his supporters still found it just as inspiring.